Forgiveness is the gift...


“I’ll forgive but I wont forget”.  How forgiving does that sound?

Why do we hold on to our past grievances so tightly?  For what purpose?   I have found the following reasons to be the most common:

~ we believe that those experiences and feelings are part of our identity

~ we want to retain validation because “that really happened to me”

~ we feel if we forgive somehow we’ve made it not matter

~ we feel if we forgive we are condoning someone’s bad behaviour

~ we let self-righteousness cloud us; “He/she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven!”

~ we feel we can’t forgive ourselves because we deserve the punishment

These are a sure way to keep ourselves in depression too.

I ask my clients to write a list of all those people and situations they feel they can’t forgive.  Often they’ll include their own name.  They tell me with real conviction that they can’t forgive these people and especially themselves.

I gently ask them  “So who is the one in pain?”  The light begins to dawn.

Whatever someone has ‘done to us’ or whatever terrible situations we’ve been in or whatever we feel we may have done that’s unforgivable, holding onto past misery just infects this precious moment of our life instead of creating and living the joy in it.  We are continuing to give our power to that person or situation from the past.  We also do this if we continue to beat ourselves up for what we did in the past.

Sometimes people say, with understandable cause, how can I forgive being raped or abused as a child or abandoned?  As tough as it might be, it still follows that that was then and this is now and we’re only perpetuating the pain.  We can’t change it.  There is no point judging and getting stuck in self-righteousness because that doesn’t change anything either.

We have the choice today whether we leave that pain in the past with the experience, or continue to take it into each day of our future.

If we want to leave the pain behind we need to cultivate acceptance and forgiveness.

Acceptance has nothing to do with condoning behaviour.  It’s accepting ‘that is what happened’ or ‘that’s how it is’.  Whilst we hold negative energy we are the one who is suffering.  Acceptance ‘neutralises’ the negative energy so we can be in free space to move forward and authentically forgive.

Forgiveness is a gift to our selves because it ends our pain.  We can simply forgive someone for not being the way we wanted them to be.  We can realise that they have their own perspective and maybe their own guilt, maybe they just messed up or maybe they were living out their own pain.

It is much more helpful to accept and forgive so you’re free of the past and then focus on creating a ‘whole and complete you’ so that you can live in joy and create different experiences for yourself in the future.

In my own life I have had several ‘bad’ experiences with men, including a fire, infidelity, domestic violence, rejection and in particular, abandonment at a critical time, with much suffering and intense hardship and pain involved.

Sure these were all tough times!  I certainly cried oceans (never mind rivers!) and it took time to be able to forgive each of my partners but when I did I was the one who benefitted.  It wasn’t worth screwing up any more of my life over them.  Looking back I can see all these men were totally wrong for me, as I was for them.  It served me much better to realise they were perfect reflections of my self-worth and deservability on my deepest levels at that time and to focus on my own growth to attract much better experiences in future.

I know now I will never again attract an abusive man because I have changed my deep ‘blueprint’ beliefs, to not just know I am worth more than that, but to authentically feel it in every nuance of my being.  Moreover, I am now in a place to embrace the meeting of my true soulmate.  Forgiveness really does set us free to move forward to our Palace and joy.   Forgiveness is the doorway to inner peace, love, freedom and happiness.

Remember, forgiveness is the gift we give to ourselves.  Feel good about letting go of the old bitterness, anguish, hurt and pain.  There’s no point in holding onto it.  Let it go and set yourself free and choose to live unencumbered.

Who could you choose to forgive to let a huge weight fall from you?  What would this feeling of freedom allow?

If it feels too tough to do this alone, please do book a free consultation with me now and let’s make it easier together……

About The Author

Demi Schneider

- DHP HPD SFBT(Dip) GQHP MNCP AfSFH - Clinical Hypnotherapist & Psychotherapist - Metaphysical Life Coach - Solution Focused Brief Therapist - Founder & Facilitator of Depression Busting Courses - Author of “Beat Your Depression For Good”